There's A Difference

There's a difference in being an arrogant asshole and being a strong confident person. 

Y'all need to learn the difference.  

Take time to reflect on the person you are and how you might need to change to show others the person you want to be.  

Go search for those smarter, better, more experienced than yourself to guide you. These people will be able to show you your true self better than you think.  

Listen to others. Their experiences count for something, for a lot of things. You can't do this on your own.  

I Have A Lot To Say

But, I don't know how to say it or how much I actually want to say.  

RIght now, I'm gonna say that I have a great mom.  Not everyone gets a great mom, and that is truly unfortunate.  

If you got a great mom, make sure she knows she's a great mom.  

Mental Health Awareness Month

Mental Health Awareness Month - a month where those of us who live with mental illnesses of all types send a surge of “please take time to learn about mental health” to those who don’t live with mental illness.  It is also a month where some of us may not want to be in the spotlight. 

To those of you reading who live without mental illness, please become the person your loved ones need when struggling with mental illness.

To those of you reading who live with mental illness, you’re not alone and you don’t need to handle any of this on your own.  There are people out here who will help you handle your illness, in multiple different ways.  Please reach out to someone.  You’re not a weak person because you ask for help, or take medication, or have bad days.

I will tell you right now that my anxiety is high today.  I feel like no one is communicating with me, and it makes me feel isolated.  I know this feeling is fleeting, but that is part of how I handle my mental health.  I have to rely on my rational self, and talk my irrational self down to “normal.”

Here are some resources for you, if you feel like you want to reach out for some help.

https://www.betterhelp.com/

https://breakthrough.com/ 

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help/

http://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy

https://www.7cups.com/

Real people aren’t perfect.  Real people have all sorts of problems, issues, illnesses, addictions, and personality disorders.  It’s ok.

Be Vulnerable

Being vulnerable is difficult.  It is difficult in our personal relationships, it is difficult in our professional relationships, it is difficult in our creative relationships; it’s just fucking hard.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it in the end.

I feel like I could probably talk about this for hours, but I’m honestly going to try to keep it short and sweet.  I think our pop culture society has taught us that you’re weak if you show vulnerability.  Men don’t show vulnerability, and when you do you’re a woman or a bitch.  Forbid anyone be compared to a woman.  It goes back to our society hating women, and finding them less than ideal beings.  We aren’t.  We are worthy, and strong, and emotional.  And that is okay.

But, the more we are taught that being vulnerable means you’re weak, the further people run from it.  In my opinion, those of us who are the strongest are the most comfortable being vulnerable.  We are the ones who have handled the most rejection, the most hate, the most disappointment.  We are the ones who tend to seek out ways to express our emotions through art, words, films, photographs…

Be the one who stands up against society.  Be vulnerable. 

Creativity For The Soul

This week was a good week. Why? Because I made it out alive, I learned things, I laughed, I cried, I got mad, I was happy, and I was able to create.  

I've always been a creative person, even as a child. In school, I loved art class and even more, I loved band and choir. I felt like music was my calling. In college, I discovered playing professionally wasn't what I was truly meant to do. It was okay, because I learned there were other ways to envelope music as a passion. 

Jump to living in LA, where everyone and their dog is trying to "make it" in the music business. I learned that I wanted to skip all the bullshit and open my own club. Great, except for the tens of thousands of dollars of debt I have (thanks US education system!). 

I reevaluated and decided to put my plans on hold while I figured out how to be an adult in this society. After going to fashion school, modeling sort of fell into my lap. It quickly became my creative outlet I didn't know I had been searching for since giving up playing.  

Part of the reason I chose to become an art model was because I knew I could have more creative freedom. I sat in the studio watching commercial model after commercial model knowing that wasn't what I wanted to create. I feel like once our minds are used to a certain level of creative expression, they will continue to seek that level (or higher) until fulfilled.  

This weekend, I created art with a good friend and even better photographer. I often find myself having to curate my shoots for my photographers because what I am asking of them may be out of their comfort zones. That is completely fine with me. However, working with a super creative/conceptual photographer who wants to showcase parts of you that you didn't know were possible is a really amazing feeling. I highly suggest this. 

Moral of today's story: go create something. You'll feel great.  

Take Care of Yourself

Today, either I can't talk about cool new shit, or I already have talked about things and life keeps repeating itself.  So this will probably short and sweet.  

Take care of yourself.  Life gets hard, and not always in the mental health sort of way, but also in the physical health sort of way.  If your body is telling you that you're sick or that you need to take some time to rest, it is for a reason.  Listen to your body.  Rest doesn't always mean sleep, either.  Sometimes rest is just relaxing at home.    

If it is mental health, also listen to your body.  You need to respect what your body tells you is important.  Sometimes, being alone is what you need.  Sometimes, being in a social setting in the solution.  No matter the situation, you should be listening to your mind and body. 

Stop telling yourself that you're a bad person for taking time for yourself.  You're not a bad person if you want to stay home and relax while your friends go out.  You're not a bad person for taking a mental health day instead of going to work.  You're not a bad person if you decide that your body needs to rest.  

Weirdo

Nothing too exciting has happened this week in my business or personal life.  Well, that’s not entirely true, but what is exciting to you is normal life for me.  Like, having to explain how I “fit into” the industry to someone who isn’t knowledgeable on fat models. 

We all want to see change.  We want it to be real.  If we admit it isn’t, then we lose hope.  The weirdos lose hope.  I know because I’m one of those weirdos.  We are weirdos because we live our lives on the outskirts of what is socially acceptable.  Not everyone who is a weirdo wants to be included in mainstream society, but the need to be accepted is human nature.

I’ve always been weird, but it wasn’t until college I was labelled a “weirdo” and I embraced it with open arms.  Never looked back.  Figured being a weirdo was much more entertaining than being normal and the same as everyone else.  In adulthood I have completely embraced this lifestyle of doing things against the norm, yet have fallen prey to the human need of being included.  It’s complicated, but everyone wants to know that they are here for a reason, right?  That someone is listening to the story of their lives?

Being a weirdo in the fashion industry is interesting to say the least.  Moreover, I’m a FAT weirdo.  If I was a skinny weirdo, life would be great.  Like, seriously great.  I would probably be signed to an editorial art agency.  My weirdo decisions for my body wouldn’t be questioned or met with the disgust at the rate they are currently.  I understand how things in my life could change if I lost weight, but it doesn’t make me want to lose weight.  Why do I have to lose weight for people to listen to what I have to say?  That is ridiculous.

If I was just fat, but didn’t have my tattoos or yellow hair, life would be easier, too, in the industry.  I could market myself as commercial and sell clothes.  Designers and brands would both be interested in using me as their next live mannequin.  Even if I was fat and had yellow hair, at least I would be instructed to wear a wig or two to land a job.  Not many people would be completely turned off by it.

BUT THIS ISN’T THE CASE.  I am who I am, and I like who I am.  Is it frustrating?  Of course.  Is it worth it?  Of course.  I get to be the weirdo fat model who isn’t “gorgeous” by society’s standards to knock down walls and walk through doors.  It won’t happen overnight.  It often doesn’t happen currently.  It’s the way the industry is.  It’s changing, but they can’t have too much weird at one time.  It makes people uncomfortable.  People don’t like change, so change in the smallest increments is best.  I make people change too fast; I get it, but I don’t like it.  That is why I keep doing what I do, what makes me happy, and hope that the industry catches up to what I’m doing sooner than later.