One Year

Y'all.  I have been keeping this diary for one year.  I did a pretty good job, I think.  Of 52 weeks, I wrote 40 posts.  I mean, that is pretty good, right?  For a model with a full-time job?  

Well, at least I kept to what I said I would.  I have just written about my life, and my experiences.  Ranted a few times.  Tried to help others a few more times.  Shared really great and exciting information with all of you.  I know my blog doesn't get a ton of traffic (who wants to read anymore anyway?) but those of you who do read, "thanks."

Any kind of support for your friends and family is important.  I know everyone always says monetary support is the best, but it isn't always.  Sometimes just reading an article, sharing a photo, pushing "like," or posting "<3" under a photo means the world.  Truly.  Nothing in this world is free when it comes to business so when friends and family show support in the small, free ways, it helps.  

Our world is caught up in making money, being lazy, and posting thirst traps.  (If you're reading this and don't know what a thirst trap is, there is a link right here to Urban Dictionary.  You're welcome.  Come back and finish reading this when you're done.)  Our lives should be more than how much money is in the bank, how we can get out of doing any real work, and how many creepy-ass men/women are commenting nasty pervert shit on your photos.  Some people would disagree - I don't care.  My life is more than that.  I want to make a difference in the world and not just by giving money to people.  

I recently learned about Saturn's Return.  Holy. Fuck.  Have you heard about this?  Saturn takes about 29 years to make it's way around the Sun once (full orbit), which means it comes back into the position it was in when you were born 29 years later.  Well, 29.5-ish.  This means when everyone says that the 29th year threw some shit at them, THIS IS WHY.  It is a time where big things happen in your life; you change jobs, you find the love of your life, your finances get turned upside down.  Sometimes really great things happen, and sometimes really shitty things happen.  Mostly, a combo of both get thrown at you.  No worries if you get off lucky before your 30th, it happens again right before your 60th!  So that's fun....

Some of y'all are probably rolling your eyes at me with this astrology shit, but don't you judge me if you sit there living your life by a book about a guy who happened to be born from a woman who "never had sex."  I trust this more than some floating entity.  At least I can physically tell when my period gets fucked up by the lunar cycle.  Anyway, I believe this is what is happening in my life.  Saturn's Return.  It makes sense in my life right now.  I want something more out of life - I want to change jobs and get married and move into a big house and fix my finances and help other people.  I want to come into my own.  

This is long and I didn't mean to bring up Saturn's Return but it has been on my mind.  A lot has been on my mind.  Life is hard, and that's ok.  None of us make it out alive.  

“Hi, High.”

Y’all. I’m high. Like while I’m writing this. Congrats to Cali making weed legal! But, I have had my med card for a few months before the law went into effect. 

I use weed for my anxiety and PTSD. It has been a weird learning experience.  

I didn’t use any kind of drugs in high school, or college for that matter. Drank my weight ten times over in alcohol while in college but never smoked anything. Which means, I don’t have any idea what I’m doing.  

I bought a pipe. I bought a ton of lighters. I bought an ashtray and grinder. Y’all. I came prepared. Nope, not at all actually. Hahaha I didn’t buy anything to smoke with the first time I bought weed. So there’s that. But I’m learning.  

I’m high. If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you. I’m gonna go wait for some pupusas so I’ll come back next week for my one year blog anniversary!  

Creative

There is a lot of weight that comes with the word “creative.” People expect a lot from you, or very little. The idea that creative minds are somehow less deserving of respect or wages is atrocious. However, the idea that creative minds should be worshipped is also bizarre. 

We begin our lives as children who are encouraged to be as creative as possible. “The sky’s the limit!” But as we age, adults rein in that imagination and lust for other-worldly connections. Why? Because we “have to grow up?” What does being as adult have to do with creativeness, or lack thereof? How come we teach these qualities out of children? Perhaps because adults can’t fathom other adults living their creative dreams?  

Possessing creativeness as an adult is only celebrated in a few instances; small doses (like organizing the office space with something outside the box) , celebrity status (though many can argue that many celebrities aren’t creative, but only employ teams of them to keep appearances), and as hobbies. Why is it frowned upon for adults to hold careers where their creativeness shines, without being a celebrity? 

That was a long-winded intro. Especially when my main point is that I’ve lived an adult life trying to grab hold of a career where my creativeness would be celebrated. This is why I’m adding “creative director” to my resume. I’m not going to stop modeling, and I still have my day job. But, I am very excited to be working on my creative director portfolio and resume. I figured it was time to gather all of my skills into one career path and this seemed the most natural. 

Do what you want. Do what you love. Love what you do.  

Resolutions Are Shit

This is my opinion. If you don’t agree, that’s fine. This is why I think New Year’s resolutions are shit.  

I understand the human need for using time to bookmark events in their lives. However, why should a birthday or a new year or a holiday mark a specific time in your life when you make changes? You should take the initiative and make the change! Don’t wait. Where has waiting ever gotten us? To see the doctor? Yeah, because that’s where we want to be.  

Anyway, don’t wait to make changes in your life. If you feel the need to better your life, just fucking do it. You’re in control. You got this, boo. A date on a calendar doesn’t make your changes less effective.  

Now, the other reason I hate resolutions is they are nearly always rooted in “health” and fitness, and this idea that indulging in comfort food during the holidays was “bad.” Food is not good or bad. You don’t indulge in food, you eat it because your body needs food to function. Your health is much more than the number on the scale or the number on your pants.  

Instead of punishing your body for whatever things you did over the holidays, why don’t you spend some time looking at your mental health and health of your relationships? This is much better use of your time and energy. There’s no need to punish your body for simply existing. Learn to work with it and increase your daily amount of true joy.  

I’m not going to say I avoid changes or new things around the new year, because I definitely find myself wanting to implement new strategies and branding in my business, as well as checking in on old friends to see how their celebrations went. It’s natural. I’m just saying that making a promise to yourself and expecting it to change your life is not worth it. Do things when you want; that will change your world.  

Skin Care

Disclaimer: I have not been paid to advertise any of the below.  I am not making money if you click a link.  The only product I have been gifted is the Shae Face and Body Velvet srub and you'll soon find out what Shae and I are up to (peek at an upcoming blog post???).

I have learned to be nice to my skin after years of it just being there.  Modeling has made me take a closer look at how I am treating it because makeup makes my skin upset and if I have a pimple, I'm going to pick it.  I am a combo skin; my t-zone is dry and my jawline is oily.  I get blackheads on my nose and temples.  I don't wash my hair every day so I  get little bumps at my hairline.  

Below are my Morning and Night routines.  Also, I have some things that I keep in my bathroom and use weekly or every other week and those are at the bottom of this post.  I hope you find this educational and at least a place to start from if you're feeling confused.  

Morning:

• https://shaefaceandbody.com/collections/skincare-lip-balm-1/products/velvet-gentle-exfoliating-cleanser 
  • This is activated by water, so I use it in the shower.
  • I massage in all over my face and neck with my fingers.
  • Then, I wipe off under the shower head with a cotton washcloth.
• https://www.makeupalley.com/product/showreview.asp/ItemId=121232/C-for-yourself-Vitamin-C-texturizing-serum/Nature-s-Gate/Treatments-(Face) 
  • I found this at Grocery Outlet.
  • You should be able to find it online.  
  • I quite like it. It is a lotion serum rather than an oil serum.
• https://www.walgreens.com/store/c/sheamoisture-african-black-soap-problem-skin-toner/ID=prod6321875-product?reactjs=true 
  • I love this line of activated charcoal products.
  • This has a tea tree base and it works well for daily use.
  • I put it on a cotton ball and rub it in any trouble areas with acne.
• https://www.supergoop.com/shop/anti-aging-city-sunscreen-serum-spf-30/ 
  • This is one of those products I have been searching for and finally found.
  • An SPF lotion that actually doesn't feel like a lotion because IT'S A SERUM!
  • It feels great going on and wears wonderfully.
• https://www.supergoop.com/shop/spf-37-advanced-anti-aging-eye-cream/ 
  • I bought this with the SPF serum because I needed a better eye cream and this has SPF, too! 

Night:

• https://www.etsy.com/listing/484874458/deadwood-whipped-cleansing-cream-pure?ref=shop_home_active_9 
  • I found this Etsy shop while looking for black woman owned skincare lines.
  • This cleanser is fantastic!  I absolutely love it for daily use.
  • I use this with my face brush that is battery powered and spins.
  • My skin likes the spin brush - I find I have fewer blackheads and acne pop-ups when I use a spin brush.   
• https://www.walgreens.com/store/c/sheamoisture-african-black-soap-problem-skin-toner/ID=prod6321875-product?reactjs=true 
  • I use this toner again at night after the brush to spot care any ance.
• https://www.amazon.com/Advanced-Clinicals-Vitamin-Brightening-Anti-aging/dp/B01AMOTPI6/ref=sr_1_15_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1514488937&sr=8-15&keywords=vitamin+c+lotion 
  • I was looking for a lotion that I could wear at night and that was a little heavier than my day wear moisturizer. 
  • I found this at Grocery outlet, but it is on Amazon. 
  • Apparently, this brand has some kind of cult following.  It is pretty good stuff.
  • I use like half a pump at night - nothing too much.
• https://www.amazon.com/RoC-Multi-Correxion-Eye-Cream/dp/B01NA9WSBS/ref=sr_1_2_s_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1514488690&sr=1-2&keywords=roc+eye+creams 
  • To finish my night routine, I pop on some eye cream.
  • This is something I had and figured I would use up.  After this is done, I'll be looking for a new night cream.  

Weekly/Monthly:

• Face Masks 
  • Use whatever ones you like!
  • I don't spend too much on them, but I do enjoy a sheet mask a couple times a month.
• Nose Strips
  • Again, these are everywhere now and you don't need to buy the expensive ones.
  • I use one on my nose every other week or so.  
  • It helps keep my large pores clear.
• All Natural Lotion
  • My savior: https://www.burtsbees.com/product/aloe-%26-coconut-oil-after-sun-soother--6-fl.-oz./VM-19499-00-1.html
  • This lotion is magic.  I use it on sunburns all the time!
  • I also bleach my brows and as soon as I am done, I put some of this on to combat any chemical burns I may have encountered because I just had bleach on my face.  
  • I also use this in a pinch for chubrub, and after shaving lotion.
• Comedone Extractor
  • You can get these just about anywhere now.
  • I think I picked mine up from Ross years ago.
  • I use it to get out blackheads and pop whiteheads instead of using my fingers.
  • I told you, if I have something on my face, I will pop it and I know I shouldn't so I got one of these.  :)  

This is what I have in my bathroom.  I know it sounds like a lot, but I have it down to wash, tone, moisturize, eye cream.  The rest is just self-care/treat-yo-self stuff that I have found makes my skin happy.  Make sure you try out products to best suit your skin.  I am not a doctor, merely a model on a budget.  

Leave It

Things we can leave in 2017

- fat jokes

- rape jokes

- male owned clothing lines for women

- Trump

- teas and smoothies that make you shit yourself

- fat shaming

- ignorant pricks that don’t think fat shaming exists

- racism

- ignorant pricks that don’t think racism exists

- police brutality

- xenophobia

- homophobia

- transphobia

- LGBTQ jokes

- ignorant pricks

- gender roles

- gender reveal parties

- bloggers pretending to be models

- brands saying they can’t find models over a size 20

- hypersexualizing fat bodies

- fuckboys

- wage gap

- pretending someone’s experience doesn’t exist because it’s not our own

- the Kardashians

- diets

- being nice to people who don’t deserve it

Hypersexualization

Here's the deal - models are taught how to pose, and when plus models are taught how to pose it involves hypersexualization and slimming techniques. 

Your favorite model for Forever21 or rue107 has been taught that to be seen as beautiful on camera she must pop her hips/booty, suck in her stomach (under layers of shapewear already), throw her breasts forward and up, lift her chin so there is no fat to be seen, and then "make love to the camera."  No shit, people still use that line.  

This isn't the models fault.  This is years of the industry telling us that we can use fat women in marketing ONLY if they appear a certain way.  Have you browsed a "curve" model board recently?  Did you know there are model boards you can browse?  There are, and most of the models look very much alike.  You have the girl-next-door white girls with the pouty face (basically what has been your most popular porn category for decades), the mixed race girls that are ethnically ambiguous and leave you going "I can't put my finger on her ethnicity but that doesn't bother me because I can identify she is not white."  You will also see the dark skinned black girl, but like only one or two of them.  Too many black girls and the agency blows up or something.  I don't know.  Optional for New York boards: the one or two "weird" models but they aren't as weird looking as the weird thin models because fat women are still gross so they have to be appealing in some way.   

All of this is based on the idea of using women's bodies to sell what is acceptable in society.  Fat women have been told that in this industry we have to be sexy in order to accomplish this task.  Even fat women looking at a fat model will say "oh she looks sexy, I want that."  Why?  Because we are teaching women that they must be sexy in order to be seen as a worthy human deserving of basic human rights.  

Do we teach confidence?  No.  Do we teach self awareness?  No.  Do we teach self love without it caked in weight loss?  No.  But we do teach sexy.  We teach sexy by only showing sexy models to the masses.  We teach sexy by telling models they are only pretty when they are sexy.  And only pretty models are good models.  WRONG. 

Ugly humans by society's standards are STILL HUMANS.  Why can't ugly be seen as equal to beautiful?  Ugly does not equal less worthy, it is simply the visual representation which society finds unattractive.  Society is acting as one group in this conversation, not as separate people or groups, or even demographics.  Ugly people and beautiful people are all humans, and why should someone's visual appearance mean they get less in life?  Moreover, why does a fat person have to be seen as sexy in order to be seen as beautiful? 

The plus model's default is "sexy."  It just is.  It is the way models get jobs, it is how they get popular, it is how others models see them.  Often, it is very difficult for models to even see this is happening in their own careers, but it is.  Hypersexualization can be fixed, but models need to start breaking down barriers.  Stop waiting for clients to do it.  Stop waiting for agents to do it.  Book a photographer and have them push you out of sexy and into something that echoes human emotion.  

Bitter Fat Model

I’ve recently been bitter as hell. No shame admitting this. It’s been almost four years since I started modeling and I have constantly been pushed out of mainstream. 

I get it. “It’s only been four years!” Yeah, but that’s long enough to get a college degree. It’s long enough to learn how fucked this industry is. It’s long enough to learn how to have your guard up every time you post a photo. It is also long enough where other models see your work and steal your ideas and take the praise you missed out on.  

This is why I’m bitter. I’m tired of seeing more popular and/or experienced models taking my themes and ideas, and then being praised for it. It has literally happened to me for the last four years. Recently, it happened again and I’m livid. 

I’m here trying to glow up, but others are stepping on me while I’m trying. It’s exhausting. I’m trying to prove you can make it by being yourself and creating unique concepts for others to relate to. Apparently, the fat industry is still much more concerned with seeing a commercial model in an editorial being boring as hell. But what do I know?! I’ve only been studying high fashion modeling and photography for the last four years!  

This is why I’m fat and bitter.